The Far Too Numerous Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Welcome to the triumphant, or not so triumphant, comeback of this knickerspoilingly exciting story, which, as ever, seeks to document the activities of everybody's favourite evil, snobistic, and especially blond, wizard. Warning: HBP Spoilers occur.
1. Default Chapter

(A/N: Because I promised I wouldn't write any more Lucius stories, I felt obliged to start another series. Once you start honouring promises, you see, people will start to expect it of you, and we couldn't have that, could we. I realise I have surpassed many a reader's patience already with my stories of supreme stupidity, but if the jokes have become old, just laugh at me. Not many people asked for more stories, but then, nobody asked for me to start them in the first place. However, I still harbour a secret and suppressed hope for mild appreciation, and at least one more person who'll strip for me on their webcam. Applications for both, but especially the latter function, may be made in reviews. Enjoy.)

**Chapter 1: Charles II**

"So, Charles…" Lucius Malfoy said as he sat down opposite Severus Snape.

"Charles?" Snape said, putting down his goblet.

"It's your name, isn't it?" Lucius Malfoy said, dismissively. "So, I thought…"

"Incidentally, it's not my name, as you know very well." Snape said, looking bored. Lucius glared at him.

"Charles, stop being silly for a minute, and listen." he said. "I thought…"

"My name is not Charles, Lucius!" Snape hissed. "It's Severus."

"Don't call me Lucius! I'm Charles."

"No, your name is Lucius."

"Charles."

"It's not funny, Lu…"

"Charles!" Lucius interrupted, pointing a finger at Snape in warning.

'I give up,' Snape thought, rubbing his temples. He sighed a weary sigh, and walked off.

"Bye, Charles!" Lucius called after him.


	2. Chapter 2: Button Pusher

** Chapter 2: Button Pusher**

It had been a long night, and Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy were lying on a sofa, too tired to even go to bed. Snape was looking down languidly, vague thoughts passing through his brain, when suddenly a finger entered his field of vision, and pressed down on a button of his coat. It was lifted up again, and moved down one button, which it also pressed down on. It repeated this several more times, before Snape spoke.

"Lucius," he said. "What are you doing?"

"Pushing your buttons." Lucius said, looking up at him with a wicked glisten in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3: I Shall Say This Only Once

(A/N: A bright 'What-ho!' to everyone who recognises the Sergeant Crabtree references- you know, the guy in 'Allo 'Allo- and a dismissive 'Tinkerty tonk' to those who don't.)

**Chapter 3: I Shall Say This Only Once**

Severus Snape was crossing the Hogwarts grounds one clear spring morning, when he saw Lucius Malfoy coming towards him. "Good moaning," Lucius said, jovially, then added, in a softer voice, and leaning over to Snape: "I have good nose for you." Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I already have a good nose, thank you." he huffed, and strode away.


	4. Chapter 4: Never Trust A Man With Egg On

(A/N: I bet you all thought I was dead, hhhm? Well, no such luck this time. Your beloved tormentor was merely occupied with more important business, such as revision and hardcore pornography. She is now slowly recovering, though, and therefore may be able to produce more brain-bleeding nonsense quite soon. Then again, she may not. Either way, enjoy.)

**Chapter 4: Never Trust A Man With Egg On His Face**

"Once more, from the top." McGonagall said to the Hogwarts School Choir, and they launched into their rendition of "The Wizard Boy". However, one voice seemed to be completely out of time and tune, and also singing the wrong lyrics. Dismayed, McGonagall bade the choir to stop. "Who was that singing so terribly out of tune?" She said, looking sternly at the students before her.

Immediately, nearly all students pointed at a rather odd-looking boy standing at the right, that McGonagall didn't recognise. "You!" she said. The boy looked uncomfortable. "What is your name?"

"Er…" said the boy, eyes shifting, "Lu…cas… Mal… froy?" McGonagall raised an eyebrow, and walked towards the boy, the other members of the choir clearing the way. There, crouched behind some rather tall third years, was Lucius Malfoy, wearing a sheet in imitation of the choir outfits. McGonagall, upon seeing him, merely sighed and shook her head.

"Mr Malfoy," she said, frowning severely at him, "how many times are you going to try this? I did not accept you as a first year student, because you are an appalling singer. I did not accept you in your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh year, and I never accepted you after you left Hogwarts. I would appreciate it if you stopped wasting my and your time, and gave up. Please remove yourself from this classroom." She glared at Lucius, who walked away, looking back at the group with anger.

"The nerve…" he grumbled. "Doesn't even accept bribes… old bat… and all I wanted to do was feel up Ernie McMillan." Huffing, he strode away towards Snape's office, to see if he, perhaps, would like to play choir.


	5. Chapter 5: Princess Coldheart

(A/N: I have to thank Jude Law in The Talented Mr Ripley for this, which was actually a far better film than I thought. Mainly because it was very insane and intensely homoerotic. Could have done with some more nude scenes, though.)

**Chapter Five: Bella Ciao**

With a loud 'crack', Lucius Malfoy apparated in the hallway of a random Muggle house. He looked around, then opened the door on his right and walked into the kitchen. He looked around for a moment, and, deciding this was definitely not the bedroom, was about to walk out when something suddenly caught his attention.

"Well, hello there..." he said, in a sultry voice, as he slowly approached the refrigerator. Leaning on one of the cabinets, he looked it up and down. The fridge was silent and did not move. "What's a nice fridge like you doing in a place like this?" he then whispered.

The refrigerator remained silent. Lucius put a hand on its side and leant over to it. "Let's get out of here. You and me, together… what do you say?"

But there was no answer.

Lucius stepped back and huffed. "Prude." he said, and walked off.


	6. Chapter 6: Never Let Your Private Life

(A/N: The hilarious word 'sexatise' was coined in the song 'Sexatise You' by the incomparable Adam Ant, who, to his credit, is also the only person in history who can say it without sounding _too_ ridiculous.)

**Chapter 6: Never Let Your Private Life Get In The Way Of Your Sexlife**

Severus Snape was sitting in a comfortable armchair, reading the Daily Prophet, when there was a knock on the door. Sighing, he got up and opened it. Standing on the threshold was the ever charming Lucius Malfoy. "What do you want?" Snape said. Lucius' eyes brightened.

"I want to sexatise yooouu!" he said, waggling his eyebrows. Snape scowled.

"How obliging of you to tell me. However, since I am assuming what you just told me is nonsense, I am going to shut the door now unless you say something coherent." he said, in a bored tone of voice.

"But I'm going to sexatiiiise yoouuuu!" Lucius sung, swaying his hips seductively.

"I don't want to be 'sexatised'." Snape said, and started to close the door.

"Sexatise, sexatise, sexatise yoooouuuu!" Lucius said, his voice becoming increasingly muffled, until it was entirely shut out. Snape shut the door, sighed, and walked back to his chair. He sat down, and picked up his Daily Prophet again.

"How very dull." He observed, and went back to his newspaper.


	7. Chapter 7: Superheroes

**Chapter 7: Superheroes**

Severus Snape was walking back to Hogwarts Castle across the grounds, when he saw Lucius Malfoy walking in an uncharacteristically cheerful way towards him. Since he didn't have much time for pleasantries, or anything else, for that matter, he merely nodded at him and strode past. As he turned right into the hallway, he saw Lucius Malfoy walking towards him. He raised his eyebrows. "Lucius." He said. "Didn't I just pass you outside?" Lucius' eyes narrowed.

"Did you?" he said, thoughtfully, and led Snape back to the doors. They looked out, and saw another Lucius standing on the lawn, cajoling with a big yellow butterfly. "Hhmm!" Lucius said disapprovingly. "That must be my evil twin, Lucios."

"How can you have an evil twin, you're already evil." Snape pointed out, gazing in fascination at Lucios, contemplating a rather pleasurable scheme the sight of the doppelgangers had provoked in his ever creative mind.

"Alright, my good twin, Lucios, then." Lucius said, looking angry. Suddenly, he wheeled around and grabbed Snape by the shoulders. "There's only one thing we can do!" Snape took hold of Lucius' wrists and removed his hands from his upper body.

"What's that?" he asked, disinterestedly.

"Call in Lucior, the Doom Lord, and his trusty sidekick Snapor, of course." Lucius said.

"Sidekick?" Snape said, angrily. He was about to lay the verbal smackdown on Lucius for suggesting that he had an inferior position in their superheroical relationship, when he was suddenly noticed that Lucius was wearing, inexplicably, a silver catsuit, with what looked like a pink codpiece over it. Lucius was also holding out a second outfit, which, to Snape's horror, appeared to include hotpants. He frowned, and said in his quietly dangerous voice: "Lucius, what is that?"

"Snapor's outfit!" Lucius said. "Be quick about it, Lucios seems to be sauntering happily off." He looked at Snape, who was glaring at him, and holding out his wand. "Well, you don't have to look so… EEEEEH!" he suddenly screamed, and ran off.

A couple of students, out for an afternoon walk, were treated not only to the unusual sight of Lucius Malfoy, wearing a silver catsuit and a pink codpiece that seemed to be on fire, running screaming across the lawn, but also to the spectacle of Professor Snape jumping up and down in the hallway on a small heap of smouldering silver and pink fabric, grumbling profanities and something that sounded a lot like 'HOTPANTS!'.


	8. Chapter 8: Please, please, please

(A/N: Especially for tomorrow's great première, here's a Super Special Edition. You may commence to wriggle and wet yourself in anticipation. I did try to make it as funny as I could, but it has turned out rather morbid. And sadistic. This is probably because the author is slightly worried about the fate of her charges, messieurs Malfoy and Snape. Worried, but excited as well. In fact, she can barely think or keep still in her chair, so now that this is safely written and delivered, she shall run around town naked, shrieking and frothing at the mouth until one o'clock tomorrow night.)

**Chapter Eight: Please, please, please, let me get what I want**

Severus Snape arrived at Malfoy Manor on the evening of the 15th to a gloomy scene. Lucius Malfoy was sitting all alone in the middle of the drawing room, miserably drinking absinthe. Snape stood and looked at him, frowning. "What is wrong, Lucius?' he asked. Lucius glanced up at him, an ugly expression on his face.

"Don't tell anyone, Severus, but I'm… worried. The new book comes out tonight, you know." He said, brandishing his glass. "That stupid Rowling! I knew I shouldn't have teased her about her hair when she was in first grade." He set the glass down with a bang. "How dare she put me in prison! Me, a wanted man! The family name ruined..." He growled softly into the dark. Snape snorted disdainfully.

"Don't set store by what she says, Lucius." He said, sitting down opposite him. "For all I know, I could die in this one. Yet, miraculously, I do not seem to care."

"It's all very well for you to say, she made _you_ look good." Lucius said, sneering. He gazed down at the table glumly, then suddenly, the gloom lifted from his face and he looked up at Snape with a wicked look in his eyes. "I say, do you think we could get me one of those Pensieve scenes? It did work wonders for you." Snape's eyes narrowed.

"Yes, and you know I despise sympathy. She spares absolutely no trouble to annoy me." He said, eyes glittering maliciously.

"You shouldn't complain." Lucius said. "I know a fabulous spell for changing texts…" he stared thoughtfully into the distance.

"So you do." Snape said. "And what, pray, are you to put into your great redemption scene? The memory of how the hairdresser cut your hair a whole inch too short? The time my father mistook you for a girl and pinched you? The time James Potter did the old 'let's levitate him and turn him upside down to show his underwear' trick on you, and then chased you around in mistaken lust for a week? To me it seems there is a distinct lack of tragedy in your past. Really, Lucius, you should be glad no-one gets to see your bad memories, unlike what happened to me." He grabbed the glass of absinthe and took a few sips disgruntledly. To his dismay, Lucius began to chuckle.

"Hehehe, yes. That was hilarious though, when Potter turned you upside down." he said. "Hahaha! I don't think I ever had that much fun again." He grinned at Snape, who gazed at him dispassionately.

"Yes, I can imagine it seemed very amusing to you." He said. Lucius rose, and lay a hand on Snape's shoulder.

"Thank you very much, Severus." He said, looking pleased. "You always know how to cheer me up." He danced away into the hallway, laughing. "Grey knickers, hahahaha…" he said as he disappeared into the dark, leaving Snape to finish the absinthe alone.


	9. Chapter 9: You Remind Me Of The Babe

(A/N: Oh dear, oh dear, it looks like after the 16th, baby's popularity has been seriously dented. Well, your author can do nothing but hope that those clamouring for his redemption are satisfied now, and remind everyone that she has always written stories in the true spirit of sin and evil, and that she does not expect to change her immaculate taste in these matters.)

**Chapter 9: You Remind Me Of The Babe, The Babe With The Power**

The small group of Death Eaters was closing in on their prey. They hid in the bushes, to talk over their strategy. "We have them within striking range. What kind of magic spell to use?" Severus Snape said, gazing through the foliage.

Without warning, Lucius Malfoy jumped up behind them, started to dance, and launched into song: "Slime and snails, or puppy-dog tails, thunder or lightning, and baby said…" he pointed at Snape.

"What?" snarled Snape.

"Dance magic dance!" Lucius crooned, dancing nimbly around them, "Dance magic dance!" he flung open his arms to continue, when he noticed everyone was staring at him. He stopped, and frowned angrily. "Well, it worked for David Bowie." he said.


	10. Chapter 10: A Friend In Need

(A/N: There. Now will you please spare me your petty and worthless opinions of Snape?)

**Chapter 10: A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed**

Severus Snape was running as fast as his dignity would allow him across Malfoy Manor's lawn. You may ask: "Why is Severus Snape running across Malfoy Manor's lawn?", and I would answer: "Because there is a crowd of fangirls with torches and pitchforks chasing him.", and I would be perfectly right.

Severus Snape was running as fast as his dignity would allow him across Malfoy Manor's lawn, because he was being chased by a horde of fangirls carrying torches and pitchforks, who were shouting such things as "Traitor!", "OMG you tricked us!", and "U meeniehed!" at him. You may consider it a feat to shout things in netspeak while carrying torches and pitchforks and chasing a wizard across a lawn, but I assure you it is the most normal thing in the world for a fangirl to be able to do this.

In any case, they were chasing and shouting, and Snape was running, and wondering why pitchforks have that unfortunate capacity to deflect hexes. Thankfully, he reached the front door just in time, and was let in by Lucius Malfoy himself. As he closed the door behind them, they could hear the awful screeching of fangirls being bombed with a variety of unpleasant things by the house-elves from a balcony over the porch. "Just in time, eh Severus," Lucius remarked, leading his friend to a window in the drawing room, where they stood and watched the fangirls retreat.

"Yes," Snape said, panting, "I don't know what I'd do without your help." Lucius smiled as he peered at the stampeding herd of geeks, faux-goths, and romantics outside.

"You know, I could swear that is exactly the same herd of fangirls who chased you across my lawn carrying teddy bears and black roses, shouting "OMG we luv u Snape!", and "You are so dark and mysterious! Just like Mr Darcy lolz!" a couple of weeks ago." Lucius said.

"They are." Snape said. "But it appears they have revised their opinions, after the 16th." Lucius laughed.

"And they're calling _you _a traitor?" he said.


	11. Chapter the Special!

(A/N: This is a superspeshul chapter, which I actually wrote for someone other than you, dear readers, but because I have no artistic integrity and want to pipm everything I write, and furthermore, since **it's my** **birthday this week** and I was feeling birthday-y, it's also here. Please don't feel you have to do anything special. Nudge nudge. Wink wink. With permission kindly bestowed by the good J. Nothing says 'fun' quite like party hats. )

**Chapter The Special: Lucius Malfoy, Birthday Basher!**

Jennifer entered her bedroom after a long, tiring birthday, to find a man sitting on her bed. She blinked in confusion. The man looked vaguely familiar, but her mind was hazy and she was grumpy, and therefore couldn't decide who he was, exactly. So she decided to ask him. "Who are you, exactly?" she asked.

"I'm…" the man started, looking pained. "I'm… Lucius Malfoy, Birthday Basher!" he put a little pink party hat with a sparkly pompom on top on his head. "And I've come to bash your birthday! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Rocky, I mean, Jennifer…" he threw a handful of confetti into the air halfheartedly.

"That was crap." his appreciative audience informed him.

"I know." Lucius Malfoy, birthday basher, said. "A seven hundred year old name, and I'm reduced to being a birthday basher in my spare time to earn some extra cash." He sighed a long-suffering sigh of long suffering sighing.

"Right." Jennifer said. "Wanna go get drunk? On expensive Belgian beer you're buying?"

"Sure." Lucius Malfoy, birthday basher, said, and the two of them walked away to have the night of a lifetime, and they both woke up the following morning with pink sparkly party hats in weird places.


	12. Chapter 12: Ridicule Is Nothing To Be

(A/N: Sorry to fall into repetition like this for the minions who've read this week's chapter of _Don L_, _Grandson of Zorro_, but I, who know their taste so well, just cannot deny my dear readers the chance to appreciate the wonder of sadistic comedy that is _The Hogwarts Tinies_. You may find it here: strangehours. com /portfolio/ papergashlyindex. html  
But be sure to remove the spaces from the link and add the http thing in front, you little charmers.)

**Chapter 12: Ridicule Is Nothing To Be Scared Of**

It was one of those golden summer evenings, and Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were sitting in deckchairs on the Malfoy Manor lawn, drinking wine and eating exotic cheeses. "Ah, Severus…" Lucius sighed drunkenly. Snape gazed at him from beneath heavy eyelids.

"What is there to "Ah, Severus" about?" he demanded.

"Remember…" Lucius drawled slowly. "Remember when we first met? Back at Hogwarts? You were cleaning the floor, and your Ugly Gryffindor Sisters James and Sirius came in, who were possibly transvestites, and they threw around your toys, and your band mates tried to comfort you, and then a girl in roller skates came in with a giant invitation."

"Lucius, that…" Snape said, but Lucius went on.

"And the Ugly Gryffindor Sisters were all excited and told you that you couldn't go to the ball. And then," Lucius said impressively, "I appeared with my glittery black dancers on a cloud. Using my trusty wand, I turned you into Prince Charming!"

"No, that…"

"And then you went to the ball after all, and you swung into the room by the chandelier, shrieking like a schoolgirl, and everyone did a very stupid dance. You danced up the stairs, and then you smashed the mirror, and you turned into Alice Cooper. And then into Clint Eastwood. And then into Lawrence of Arabia. And then into a Dandy Highwayman." Lucius said. "Remember?"

"Lucius," Snape said. "That wasn't me, that was Adam Ant. And that wasn't our first meeting you've been describing, but the video to Prince Charming."

"Oh." Lucius said, blinking confusedly. "I was already wondering what Marco was doing at Hogwarts." he finally remarked, and poured another glass of wine.


	13. Chapter 13: Draco Wears White Sox

(A/N: Everyone knows Slytherin is the House of Gender Confusion.)

**Chapter 13: Draco Wears White Sox**

It was Draco Malfoy's birthday, and so breakfast found this piece of evil spawn sitting at the Slytherin table, checking for owls every few seconds. And, sure enough, it wasn't long before two eagle owls came soaring towards him, both carrying packages. "Oh goody!" Draco exclaimed, and repressed the urge to skip around. The packages were dropped into his hands neatly, and the owls flew off again.

"Oh, Draco, whatever did you get?" Goyle said, hopping up and down in his seat with excitement.

"Patience, Gregory!" Crabbe said, slapping Goyle playfully on the shoulder. "Draco hasn't even opened them, have you, Draco dear?" Draco didn't answer because he was tearing the paper from his father's gift. Heart-shaped glitter fell from inside the pink paper unto the table. Just then, Blaise Zabini passed them. He shook his head in dismay.

"Pansies." he muttered under his breath, and walked on to join the manly side of the Slytherin table; where the girls were sitting. All the wrapping had been removed from Draco's present now, and it revealed… a pair of orange socks, bearing the legend: 'Daddy's Champion'.

"Again?" Crabbe said, disappointed.

"That's okay, I'll put them on the pile." Draco said.


	14. Chapter 14: When We First Met

(A/N: For more fun and games, visit your Duchess' young and willing livejournal, of which the username is 'pipm'. Also, as from next week, updating will be slow, owing to the fact that she is emigrating to London. Natives of this place may request right to visit, and the rest of you little rogues will have to wait until she has time to write again, or until she posts news in her journal. Au revoir.)

**Chapter 14: When We First Met…**

"Hullo Peeves, hullo armour, hullo tapestry," little Severus Snape chanted as he skipped through the halls of Hogwarts. "What a glorious day Mother Nature has yet again bestowed upon us all! Let us seize opportunity by the arm and…" At this point, dear little Severus' joyous monologue was stopped as a menacing shadow fell over his path, and he bumped into none other than Lucius Malfoy, the gorilla of 7th year. Gorilla… of evil!

As he tumbled to the floor, Severus' school bag fell down and tore open, and all Severus books, carefully wrapped in pink paper, spilled out over the hallway. Lucius stooped to pick a couple of them up, laughing quietly, as Severus sat gazing in rapture on this angelic appearance that called himself Lucius Malfoy. Lucius flipped through the books casually, wondering what a second years would be doing with a copy of Advanced Potion Making, and why he had scribbled all over the margins in a distinctly girly hand, when he noticed the inscription at the back.

"Property of the Half Blood Prince." He read aloud, glancing at Severus, who was already picking his books up while pirouetting across the corridor wildly. "Hhm." Lucius said. "More like Half Blood _Princess_."


	15. Chapter 15: OMG UR SNAP IS SO CANON 11

(A/N: Yes, I am still alive, though barely. London is a murderous city. I was cheering myself up by making Snape themed drinks coasters- my secret vice- when the fact that where there is Snape, the word cold cannot be far behind, begged for me to make fun of it. Well, it didn't really _beg,_ but you know what I mean.)

**Chapter Fifteen: OMG UR SNAP IS SO CANON!111!**

Lucius Malfoy was waiting on the corner of Knockturn Alley for Severus Snape, when suddenly a cold breeze started to blow. 'Ah, that'll be him now,' Lucius thought, and looked around. There, his long cold robes rippling coldly in the cold breeze, stood Severus Snape. "Hello, Severus." Lucius said.

"Hello, Lucius," Snape said coldly, his cold black eyes glittering with coldness.

"Cold, isn't it?" Lucius said, taking him by the arm and leading him off down Knockturn Alley.

"It does not seem so to me," Snape said, in a cold manner of coldity, gazing at Lucius coldingly.

"Hasn't the author run out of words with 'cold' in them yet, so we can end this story?" Lucius said, shivering against the cold.

"Yes, I think she has." Snape said, his voice cold with a cold-like coldition of coldance. And he was right.


	16. Chapter 16: A Star is Born!

(Sorry for the long interval between updates, dear minions. But I am sure you will all understand the attractions offered by the British metropolis exceed even the pull of the writer's keyboard. In any case, I need experience to build my future memoirs on, so that I'll have an income when I'm too old and cynical to write fanfiction. Expect more activity on this spot between now and the near future, while I am away from the distractions of London. Sincerely, your Duchess.)

**Chapter Sixteen: A Star Is Born! And He Twinkles!**

Severus Snape was wandering around Knockturn Alley looking for some illegal potions ingredients, when he saw a large cloud of glitter approaching from between the gnarled and sooty houses. He raised his eyebrows in some surprise, since random clouds of glitter are not the sort of thing one usually sees storming towards one in Knockturn Alley, as the more perceptive of you might already have surmised. As it came closer, he could perceive that the glitter was of a decidedly evil appearance. 'Hhm,' he wondered, 'what kind of creature in allegiance with the Dark Lord could produce vast amounts of glitter?'

While he was thus engaged in pondering activities, the glitter-cloud had reached him, and he found himself surrounded by wave after wave of glistening particles. Then, suddenly, right in the centre of this dazzling tornado, appeared a strange sight: Lucius Malfoy, with swirls of glitter extending from, it seemed, his very body. "Lucius!" Snape exclaimed. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Oh, this is my natural sparkle." Lucius remarked, with a casual flick of his blond hair.

"Natural sparkle?" Snape said, in disgust. "That's the most imbecilic thing I've ever heard."

"Well," Lucius said, frowning angrily, "It worked for David Bowie."


	17. Chapter 17: Rymer Maschrist

(A/N: Merry Christmas, those who can't be arsed to spend Christmas too drunk to read! Rejoice that your mistress took the time to post these lines just before she dashed off to dinner! I hope that this chapter makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and makes your tongue swell up. Season's greetings, your Duchess.)

**Chapter 17: Rymer Maschrist**

It was Christmas Day, and Severus Snape crawled from the Malfoy Manor fireplace to attend the usual revels there. He dusted himself off, waiting for the clouds of ash to settle, bracing himself for the usual sight: Lucius, inebriated on the sofa, robes half undone, and the rest of his family hanging around him, asleep or passed out. But as the tasteful drawing room revealed itself to him, there seemed to be something off about the scene.

There was Narcissa, empty tumbler in hand, dozing in an armchair; there was Draco, looking disturbingly dishevelled, some robe buttons undone, lying rosey-cheeked on the sofa; there was Mrs Malfoy, eagerly pouring another glass of gin, and knocking it back as she saluted Snape. But no Lucius. Snape wondered where the blond-haired bane of his existence could be.

"Good afternoon." Snape said hastily to Mrs Malfoy, shuffling quickly past her, into the hall. There stood the Christmas tree: a monstrous Gargantuan of the woods, as usual, towering black-needled and glorious over the marble hall and green-carpeted staircase, glittering with silver and green snakes of tinsel, writhing and slithering through the branches, and ancient baubles of exotic shape and colour. Snape paused to look at it for a moment: here, too, something seemed to be off, somehow. It took him a while before he noticed exactly what: halfway up the tree hung something that shouldn't be there. The something, furthermore, appeared to be Lucius Malfoy. Snape raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Lucius," He said. "What are you doing in your Christmas tree?"

"What am I doing in the Christmas tree?" Lucius repeated scornfully. "That's rich. Hanging in trees is what I do: I'm a bauble."

"You're not a bauble, Lucius. You're an idiot, and drunk, but you're not a bauble." Snape said.

"I am! I looked at one of the silver ones, and it had my face!"

"That's because they reflect your face, Lucius. If I looked into them, they would have my face reflected in them."

Lucius gasped. "You are a bauble too: I knew it! Come join me! We'll have a lovely time baubling together." He patted the branch next to him invitingly.

Snape sighed exasperatedly. Right now, even Christmas at Hogwarts seemed like an attractive option compared to standing in a hallway talking to someone who thought he was a bauble. But then he considered who he'd rather be spending Christmas with: Dumbledore, staff, and Potter's spawn, or Lucius, however insane he might be. His choice was made. He climbed up the tree, and chose a snug branch next to Lucius to rest on. "Merry Christmas, Severus. May I just say, you make an excellent bauble." Lucius said to him.

"Merry Christmas, you imbecile." Snape said. But on his lips was a smirk that, in the flickering light of the candles, may have been said to resemble a smile.


	18. Chapter 18: The Fangirl Cometh

(A/N: Today's is a guest publication, my dears. Imagine my surprise when I was suddenly offered this beauty of a story, furnished and ready for use, waiting in my inbox. Well, what could I do but show it proudly to the world? Remember, all praise should go to silverrose18f, which is indeed her username, for any pleasure this gives you. Thank you, SilverRose, I hope this gives you some kind of satisfaction and maybe joy. Stay beautiful.)

**Chapter 18: The Fangirl Cometh**

Remus Lupin was in front of the Malfoy Manor, sweeping the porch for the twentieth time that day, when he saw a fangirl approaching.  
"Um, can I help you," he inquired timidly, dropping the broom in advance, and getting ready to flee.

"I own you! I bought you off e-bay!" She showed him the confirmation email.

"NO!" Lupin screamed. He turned to run away, but bumped into Lucius Malfoy. Getting on his knees, he begged, "Please, Malfoy, not a FANGIRL!"

"Sorry, Lupin," Lucius smirked, "But I just don't have the money to feed you...wait yes I do! Too bad!"

"Yeah about that..." the fangirl intterupted, "I own you too, Lucius."

"WHAT? WHO SOLD ME!" He snatched the email out of her hands. The crazed fangirl took the opportunity of his state of dazed unbelief to drag both him and Lupininto the sunset by the crazed fangirl. Meanwhile, around the corner, Snape leaned against a tree counting the money he just recieved from e-bay, sniggering evilly.


	19. Chapter 19: Human Geography

(A/N: Actually, there are two Snapes in England. I intend to be inside each of them at least once.)

**Chapter 19: Human Geography**

There was a reception at the Ministry of Magic, and as he stood sullenly next to the table with the wine on it, Arthur Weasley was disconcerted to see Lucius Malfoy sidling up to him, a rather predatorial grin on his face. "Yes, Lucius?" he said, glancing around uselessly in search of rescue.

"Hello, Weasley." Lucius said, staring down at him from underneath pale eyelashes. "Long time, no sneer."

"Indeed." Arthur said, in a voice that indicated that he felt no displeasure at the extent of Lucius' absence.

"Guess where I've been?" Lucius said. A tiny smirk played around his lips. Arthur shook his head stupidly, as though the answer was beyond his intellectual grasp, whereas in reality, he just could not be bothered.

"In Snape." Lucius said, taking a sip from his goblet of wine.

"What?" said Arthur, in considerable alarm. "I mean, where?"

"In. Snape." Lucius said carefully. "You know, just a casual visit."

"Why? What?" Arthur said, still astonished.

"Oh, it's very pleasant in Snape." Lucius continued. "We had a lovely time. Moving around..." he saw, with pleasure, that Arthur's eyes widened in surprise. "… having tea. A nice picnic…" By now, Arthur Weasley's face had frozen in an expression of extreme horror. Having achieved his object, Lucius strode away to shove galleons down Fudge's robes in a much better mood than he had anticipated.


	20. Chapter 20: Lovestick

(A/N:I know it's already nearly over, but a late happy Valentine's Day to all my sweet charmers out there. You should know that this story is, for a large part, Gudrun's fault. Well, hers, and of her obsession with sticks. Frankly unhealthy, I say. Also, the title is not a euphemism, but a pun on the word 'lovesick'. Or both. Your choice, you perverts.Oh yes, it's also the end of another series. How time flies. Or rather, stories fly. Supafly! In any case, I imagine I'll be starting another series in the future. Probably quite near. Look out for it like you would for naked pictures of Jason Isaacs. An endless supply of dirty, lusty love, Your Duchess.)

**Chapter The Last: Lovestick**

It was Valentine's Day, and upon getting out of his bed, Severus Snape was showered in a tidal wave of pink and black cards. "Merlin's beard." Snape thought darkly, "I hate Valentine's Day." He looked around at the cards glumly, then bent down and picked up a card. Who knows, it might be from a real person rather than a fangirl. Also, though he wouldn't admit to it, he was rather hoping he'd finally get one from Morrissey this year. In any case, he opened it. There was a small twig stuck to the paper. He read:

"_Dear Severus,_

_I like you on a stick. That's why I've sent you this letter on a stick._

_Love from Iceland,_

_Gudrun (on a stick)."_

"Weirdo." Snape muttered, setting fire to the letter. He picked up one that was pink with gilded borders, opened it, and read:

"_Dear Severus,_

_Do you like sticks? I do. I love you and…" _

Snape threw aside the letter, deciding he had seen enough. He picked up another one, in a plain white envelope, with the address written in a scrawl similar to Morrissey's.

"_Dear Severus,_

_Do you have buns of steel? I like steel of buns. _

_Bunny, steely love from Holland,_

_Your steely-bunny._

_PS: Buns of steel!"_

"Oh, for the love of…" Snape said, incinerating the letter. He picked up a green and silver envelope, and almost immediately regretted opening it, as he read:

"_Dear Severus,_

_Would you show me your manstick? On a stick?_

_Love from Iceland…"_

"Aargh! Fangirls!" Snape said, throwing the letter away in disgust. "This is the last one." He swore, as he picked up one that looked like the ones Lucius sent him. He opened it, and was relieved to see that all it contained was Lucius' usual Valentine's invitation to his house, which he promised would be empty. With a sigh, Snape threw it down, and went to dress.

"I hate Valentine's Day," he said to himself.

That night, he apparated in Lucius' bedroom to a most enticing sight. There was Lucius, dressed in a silver and pink cowboy's suit, smiling at him maliciously. "Hey Severus," Lucius said, as he noticed him, and got up, drawing out fake muggle guns from the holsters at his hips and pointing them at Snape. "Stick 'em up."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Snape yelled immediately. "STICKS!"

And he turned and fled.


End file.
